Ah, FESTIVAL SEASON is nearly upon us! For men, the preparation for a festival is as follows: pretend you are going to a massive stag do. In a field. For women, there is, of course, more to be done. (A big part of being a woman is recognising that there is Always More to Be Done.)
First, you have to wade through a six-page magazine spread, covering everything from clothing to accessories, your ‘festival hairstyle’, seven different bunting options for decorating your tent, which is the best brand of wet wipes, and what your festival Instagram ‘vibe’ is going to be.
So, to save you all time, I have produced my Festival Truth Bomb Offensive. In which I will reveal the myriad reasons why hotpants are suited to indoor-wear only (including the fact that, if cold, your upper legs will freeze. If, by some miracle, the sun does shine, your limbs will be so unaccustomed to this, that they will rapidly start transforming into THIGH CRACKLING.) Why you shouldnever adhere to the maxim of ‘What would Kate Moss wear?’
I also highlight the importance of remembering the ‘what goes in must come out’ rule when drinking. Because: festival loos. A cheap, almost toxic, spirit is your friend – plus you can use it to kick-start the campfire in the morning if necessary.
Thinking of having some free-range festival sex? One word: CYSTITIS. Do you really want to gamble with this kind of risk, when, as discussed, going to the loo is an hour-long commitment and involves an almost Hieronymus Bosch-level of hellish squalor?
I will also reveal why you will only take a sum total of four photos during the entire trip, one of which you’ve taken accidentally when using your phone as a torch as you try to find your tent.
So, watch the vlog, then enjoy this year’s festivals safe in the knowledge that you are suitably attired, have a strategic drinking plan and will not be missing out in any way if you swap sex for chips. And no-one wants to see festival photos anyway – so you can knock ‘choosing an Instagram filter’ off your list of things to do.